Hard day

Today the snow continued. The bus ride to work was a real treat, thankfully I already have a bus pass for the month so I didn't count that toward my budget, I will have to when it runs out though :( I realised just how much buying food at the Co-op is today, I managed a red pepper, bag of spinach, a red onion and a £1 choc milkshake (inability to resist...herein lies my issue perhaps) on my four pound budget. I need to visit my local market or grocery shop I think, it will mean leaving work early to do that.

Real low point to my day which led me to instantly burst into tears was during a conversation with my mom in which I was explaining that my boyfriend is now in Singapore and is staying in a £250 a night hotel suite. I was explaining how I found this really hard to feel comfortable with, for me it seems completely passed luxury and into some other realm of excess. My mother's response was that it was his money to do with what he liked and let's face it he has more to show for his life than I do as I don't even have a car or a house. Very true and just words but it felt like I had been whipped, it really stung.

I am here because of my actions and inactions. This situation must change. I will not let myself be here again.

Was I being jealous? Unreasonable? Envious of my boyfriend? Would I do the same in his shoes? Truth is I have never lived excessively, I hope that I never will. Despite these debts, they were run up when I was exceptionally poor and they were effectively my income during that time. Is it wrong to actually enjoy the simple life? My boyfriend took me to a free windmill as a surprise once and I burst into tears I loved it so much (there appears to be a theme of tears). For valentines though he sent roses to work, then took me to a fancy french restaurant and then to a live comedy act (a BBC regular) all I did was tott up in my head how much it was all costing, I even zoned out during the comedian because I was thinking about it.

I do feel fortunate that I have a frugal family and frugal friends so hanging out with them is going to be easy, I also have a job which doesn't allow me the time to spend money on lunches or anything. My only concern is my boyfriend, should I be more open with him about it? I am slightly fearful that I may just snap the next time he suggests eating at Jamie Oliver's restaurant. Hmmm...

Hopefully tomorrow will feel more inspiring. Plllllease let tomorrow be more inspiring. For now I am going to sort out my sewing machine.

B